Christmas

Its coming ladies and I miss all of you. So, let’s post some christmas lists!!!

$20 limit good?

Mine is simple.

.5 super fine ink pens
Pocket journal
Stationary
Anything Russian 🙂

So, what do you guys want/need/desire?

❤ all of you dearly.

-Amelia

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Psycho

Late night, finally got the busted up laptop back repaired.

Quick update before the real story?

Ready for big kid time. Sure being a college kid is great, but not nearly as satisfying as I want my life to be.

Did the whole fuck buddy thing. Didn’t love it. Felt kinda gross afterwards. Ready for the long term commitment shit now. Like with a sparkle on my left hand. I don’t know what else there is for me to “do” that prevents me from getting in a serious relationship. I don’t want to fly from guy to guy. I hate having to train a new one every time. 

I don’t feel the fighting urge to party. I’m no longer trying to drown myself so I can’t feel pain anymore.. I’m not running or hiding.

I like dancing, and on occasion, I would love to shake things up.

I like drinking, whether it be a little, or a lot. But now i’d do it out of enjoyment. Rather than just so I can be blind to the situation I was in and the boys I used. 

Drugs. Passing fling. Shit didn’t work. Too damn expensive. Way below my standards. I am better than a lot of the things i did and people i hung out with during my few months of  darkness.

I work alot more than i have to now, because there is little else I’d rather do. Few people I’d rather spend my time with. 

 

Now on to the main point:

Lets just call him Psycho. Amelia and Stella, I’ve told you a few of my concerns regarding him. 

He is not right. Mentally unstable. Because I cannot imagine anyone really being this stupid.

He was ok. At first. Nothing great. Someone way below my standards, an easy fuck, so no risk of getting attached to it. 

He could carry on a conversation that didn’t make me want to slap him. Even though his “gangsta talk” sometimes made me wish I would have just stuck with Marine. I hate a white boy that talks like a black boy. 

He smelled bad. Cigarette smoke and weed… ugh.

Well I noticed he started getting clingy pretty early. Tried to cut it off at least twice. He actually cried. I was so startled I just told him never mind.. I mean he only knew me for like 2 weeks at that point. 

He would send me texts saying he missed me when i was only gone for an hour. He would call me repeatedly if i didn’t answer, text me all the time when I asked him to back off, and could not take a simple hint. So I got mean. I flat out told him I would text him, he was never to text me. But of course, pot head psycho was not capable of simple directions.

He would ask me all the time if i was mad. Bother me all the time asking for more cuddles, affection, whatever the fuck. I never recall telling this boy he had a chance at dating me. I was clear that it would never happen. From the beginning. So the fact he got hurt, was his own damn fault. 

Eventually I got so sick and disgusted with him I took my dog and left. I left belongings at his house just so I could get away from him quicker. 

I told him to stop calling.. Kindly at first. And soon, I just ignored everything he sent. 

He found out information about me, that only some people I considered friends could tell him. I felt betrayed, and no longer put in the effort to be friends with people who would sell me out, and who would not apologize when I confronted them. 

And with this information, he only became more of a bother. 

Then he sent me some really nasty texts. I can’t remember exactly what he said, all i remember is thinking “wow. what a psychotic loser. Glad I left when i did.”  Then following his rage, he sent like 5 apology texts and left voice mails in that whiney, annoying, black guy voice of his. 

When he showed up at my work, that is when I completely lost my temper with him. 

He used the excuse that his grandpa was dying and his parents needed a hotel near the hospital. My boss told me to take care of him. But i got up and left the office without a word. I was so scared and angry my hands shook. Afterwards, my boss asked me what was up and said he saw that his presence bothered me he told him we didn’t have vacancy even though we did. Thank God for perspective people!

I told him that if he ever came near me again I would take out a restraining order on him. He wasn’t to text or call me ever again. I never wanted him, I was tired of his bullshit, I wasn’t his friend. He said ok, but guess who started up again a few weeks later???

Madrid answered the phone once, I listened to the entire conversation. Madrid politely asked him to stop calling me. I was actually surprised at how calmly he talked. Psycho started screaming into the phone that Madrid was “talking shit and he was going to kill him and drag his dead body across everything he owned.” ….. How. Dare. He.  

No piece of filth slime like him deserves to even speak to Madrid much less say what he said. I was livid. Nobody threatens the people I care about. I took the phone and unleashed all my fury. I told him he was pathetic and didn’t accept that he was not good enough for me. He was never to call me. Never to think of me. Never to text me. Never to even say my name. He was shit beneath my feet and was a fool for thinking I would ever love or even like a person like him.

I have never been so mean to a person before in my life. Never have I been so mad and fed up with a person. I don’t regret what I said. I was kind to him for too long. If he cant accept this with grace, then he needed to be put in his place. 

Oh and I had a wonderful 4 week vacation of silence before he crawled back like a dog. 

I swear to God if this persists, I will take out a restraining order. I should not have to change my phone number! I like my number. I’ve had it for 4 years! I want to keep it. And no pathetic psycho pot head is going to make me change it.

Apologies for the Long Rant. But I have had it up to my neck with Psycho and nobody except Madrid and my parents really seem to understand the frustration and fear I have towards this pathetic individual. Every time I speak to my father, he asks if he has contacted me again. My dad was livid, he wanted me to take legal action right away. But “legal action” always seemed to be a thing really trashy girls dealt with when they had a family dispute or baby daddy problems.

I had hoped the dog could learn.

And if he can’t, then he will just have to be put down.

 

-Jane

No Judgement please

This is very personal ladies. I am asking you to keep this to yourself and not tell a soul.

About 3 weeks ago my mind started racing. I started wondering. I started worrying. And I started thinking.

I’m having commitment issues.

Fido is amazing. He is everything I could ask for. He is quite honestly becoming my best friend.
He treats me like a princess.
He loves me.
We have fun together.
And up until about 3 weeks ago who I wanted to stick with forever…

Now….

Im not sure.

I dont know if i’m ready for this.

I love him. He is everything.

But I dont know if im ready.

I really could see the rest of my life with him.

Could.

Now I’m worried. What am I missing out on? Is this relationship too soon? He waited so long for me and now I am being a complete and utter indecisive, kiniving bitch.

I want to be with him. I want to so bad.

But I also want something else.

I want to go out and date around. Have just 1 fling before heading into forever.

I’m so torn.

I am absorbed in him when i am with him. When im not, my mind is all over the place. I dont know what to think.

I seriously wish we could give each other a hall pass before we tied any knots.

I want him. He’s everything I dreamed of since I was little.

But now I want something more.

Just a fling.

Then i’d be through. Hopelessly devoted.

This hurts.
Makes me cry.
Makes me want to scream.
Makes me HATE myself.

I dont know what to do…

Catch 22..

Help….

😦

Zombies

Well I suppose I was due for an update?

 

Waiting for school to start, working alot. Pretty much it.

Nothing new really. Just trying to keep myself occupied. Hanging out with kelli alot. An old friend that never really had too much shit to say about me. Plus, I enjoy her company.

Trying to put myself in the company of people that build me up rather than tear me down. Life is too short to deal with people who are not worth my time.

Working out alot now.  I feel beautiful, I’m doing it for health reasons, lots of cancer and heart problems in my family.

Plus when the zombies come for us, i want to be able to out run them.

 

-Jane

Cereal

I have a wonderful thing with Fido. He is my everything. He treats me so good. Like a princess and I cant imagine life without him. College starts soon as well as my new job. I turn 18 in a week. I know I want to move out on my own but there is so much to consider. I have no idea how to go about it or have money to do so.
Ive also got so many other things on my mind. Im not sure how to go about certain things, and im afraid of the consequences that may follow.
On another note I want to start working out again. I have no motivation to get it started though.
I was going good until I moved to the north. Then my whole reason for working out flew out the window. Im not wanting to be skinny, or toned, I just want to look in the mirror and not see myself getting any bigger, just a little smaller. If that made sense.
I guess I only wanna weigh 165 when Im full term pregnant years from now, not now though.
Anyways.

I have no clue what im getting at.
3am is a wacky time to text or blog.

Nothing good happens after 2am lmao.

Kbaiii!

Cereal

I have a wonderful thing with Fido. He is my everything. He treats me so good. Like a princess and I cant imagine life without him. College starts soon as well as my new job. I turn 18 in a week. I know I want to move out on my own but there is so much to consider. I have no idea how to go about it or have money to do so.
Ive also got so many other things on my mind. Im not sure how to go about certain things, and im afraid of the consequences that may follow.
On another note I want to start working out again. I have no motivation to get it started though.
I was going good until I moved to the north. Then my whole reason for working out flew out the window. Im not wanting to be skinny, or toned, I just want to look in the mirror and not see myself getting any bigger, just a little smaller. If that made sense.
I guess I only wanna weigh 165 when Im full term pregnant years from now, not now though.
Anyways.

I have no clue what im getting at.
3am is a wacky time to text or blog.

Nothing good happens after 2am lmao.

Kbaiii!

Desperate Measures

You can read all about my boy problems on my personal blog.

As for things I can’t really post there, well, God please don’t judge me or try to talk me out of it but I’m tired of looking fat and being overweight. I’m about 34% BMI and 150lbs. I’m disgusting. Sure, I can run, and I’m semi-fit but I’m not healthy. I want to be skinny. I want to be toned. Not a bag of bones or the like but it’s the wake up call. I’ve been doing good for the past few days. The stress with D really helped jumpstart this whole ordeal. Anyway, I’m training my brain to think in a more “anorexic” sense. No, I’m not anorexic. I mean, I eat like one now but I don’t berate myself when I eat and I only eat healthy things. I measure everything, count all the calories and write everything down. I run at LEAST a mile a day with core and a little bit of strength training. Don’t worry, after I run I always drink a protein recovery shake so I don’t destroy my body. Again, I don’t want to be a bag of bones.

It’s working out great so far though, my self control is getting so good! I’ll admit, I had a slice of cheese pizza this morning after we returned each others things but I threw out all of my junk food and all of my bad-food leftovers. No Soda, only water, Green Tea and twice a week I can have juice. I’m short enough that I can healthily weigh between 105-115. 115 is my goal. 35lbs to lose!

I’ve lost a lot of weight before so I know I can do it again. I found a lot of Thinspo blogs online and I made a whole picture file for my zune of nothing but Thinspiration pictures and such. Mostly quotes.

If you want to try and talk me out of this, don’t. I’m not going to listen. I’m tired of being everyone’s second pick, I’m tired of being the fat friend, I’m tired of not being able to wear what I want because it shows my fat. I’m tired of things jiggling when I run, and not being able to do more sit ups because my disgusting belly gets in the way. Fuck that.

It’s all healthy foods and negative foods (Celery, blueberrys, etc) I don’t count negative foods’ calories against what I allow myself because it takes more calories to digest them than they are worth. It’s awesome!

Anyway. Yeah, my life sucks right now. I don’t have many friends who actually think to include me. The man I loved said he couldn’t handle a long distance relationship, and I’m fat; but damnit thats going to change. I will have control over at least one thing in my life.

So, here’s to me being healthy, slender and beautiful in a few months; to me running 3 miles without stopping; to not having to worry about the PFA weigh ins and getting put on FEP everyday for being fat.

Love,

amelia