Saying Sorry is a Small Price to Pay

Hola girlies.

I have.. eh, odd (?) feelings..

I am torn.. I still have feelings for Madrid.. And yet in a way, I don’t want to be with him..

I feel like we wouldn’t work if I tried again with him (he asked me to try again, but I said no.. I mean, there is a 3 hour distance)

And I don’t really know who I am, or if I’m the right girl for him.. I know the girl he wants, and I’ll be her someday, but not today..

He wants a grown up woman and mother.. I want to go out and party a little, have a little fun while I can. And one day, I really look forward to being that mother and wife and all that jazz.. I just don’t know if i’m ready for that now..

I know Madrid would be a great husband, and a fantastic father.. A good provider.. I just.. I want him.. but I don’t want him now..

I don’t want anyone else talking to him.. or thinking that they are even in the same league as me.. Because nobody can compare to me. (In bed, or in girlfriend skills) And i know he is hurt, and wants me back. But I feel so tired thinking of the times we will be apart, and the fights we might have..

I realize now, that I am the one who primarily fucked up the relationship… I didn’t fully understand this until that night I sobbed like a little bitch at Bellatrix’s house. lol.. I was pretty intoxicated..

I was stubborn. I never said sorry. I was pretty.. unreasonable.. in a lot of situations. I was sarcastic and a lot of times disrespectful.. And I know he did a lot for the relationship.. I Just didn’t know at the time..

Just know that saying sorry is a small price to pay just to stay with the one you love.. Never be afraid to say sorry. It doesn’t make you weak.. That was my mistake.

And I cant seem to fully accept Marine.. Half of me keeps pushing him away.. And the other half of me wants to accept him. I can only compare him to Madrid..

I tell Marine over and over again not to like me, and he should probably stop hanging out with me.. Its hard for me to tell him to leave me alone.. I enjoy his company.. but some things he does…. just pisses me off… Like I want to punch him in the face sometimes. Lol.

Like the way he cuddles… He won’t stop touching me.. It annoys me. When I sleep, I need a little bit of space, a little bit of cuddle. Not someone smothering me. lol.

If I could hang out with him, then he go home at the end of the night.. I’d enjoy his company alot. But sleeping with him.. is kinda dreadful.. lol..

My heart is just in two different places.. I really don’t want sex anymore… I just want kisses.. and hand holding.. and someone to buy me food, booze, and movies..

I don’t really know how to tell him I want to take a step back..

I feel kinda bad about it, but I’m stuck.

Bellatrix has been keeping my spirits up. 🙂 with our every weekend circle of death marathon. (My liver is dying lol. And that last night almost killed me… I don’t remember half the crap that happened.. I was so sick. Honestly puked 4 times haha. In 4 different places.)

Well girls, I can’t focus anymore.. So no more to the story.

 

Peace out bitches.

Jane

I’ll Show You Mine if You Show Me Your’s.

Jane signing on.

I had a few things I wanted to vent about.

First off, WHY is it that men can fuck hundreds of girls (animate or inanimate) and still be thought of as “badass”, while girls fuck even once and they are thought of as slutty trollops?  Hardly seems fair.. It’s drilled into you by society. I am guilty of it. I hear about a guy fucking a thousand people, I think “Ok, whatever.” But mention a girl who’s had a few partner’s and I’m automatically appalled. I’m not the only one guilty of this, and I feel bad that is my first reaction, but what can you do?

I’m not a slut by any means. I’m flirty. I’m a tease. And yeah, I fucking love sex.

There is a difference between a whore and a girl who just likes sex. A whore has one night stands whenever she can and feels no sense of disrespect for herself. A whore sleeps with people she has never known. A whore is dirty, unclean.

I tell every boy I get “involved” with that we will have a platonic relationship. And I mean it for the most part. But again, I like sex. And I’m not used to not having it on hand. I’ve never been one for short casual relationships.. all the ones I have are serious..

And I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for a guy to hold you in any sense of esteem if  you just fuck outside of a relationship..

But I don’t want to have a relationship… and I don’t want to wait forever for sex..

I have such high expectations for guys to date.. they have to be smart for one.. but once I start casually fucking people, nobody my “type” will see me with an ounce of respect.. I mean why should they???

I’m trying to contemplate if i should just fuck the shit out of K-town, and when I leave for college start all over… Or just get a fucking vibrater.. but it’s not the same thing by a long shot.

I don’t even know if I’ll be able to look at myself the same if I start having casual sex… It’s just not in my nature.. I have a very sexual personality.. But I also have a level of respect I hold myself to..

It’s hard actually hahaha…

I had sex with Madrid the other day. It felt… weird.. I’m not in love with him anymore.. And the entire time it felt wrong.

I made out with (Lets call him Marine) a few days ago too. I couldn’t get completely into that either.. I think he could tell. He kept asking what was wrong with me. haha. He turned me on.. Until he spoke.. Then it completely killed it.. He acts like a 9 year old sometimes… But when he is quiet, I get to the point where I seriously consider fucking him.

He isn’t as good a kisser as Madrid is.. And it bothers the fuck out of me.. He isn’t as smart, or funny, or as comfortable as Madrid is either… I don’t think I love Madrid anymore.. But he definitly set a bar in my life.

Marine will never be someone I’ll consider for a serious relationship.. But he is a good distraction. I even told him flat out “You are a friend. A distraction for me. That’s all you can be for me right now.” and he said “I’m cool with you using me.” …. <——- ??????

Well.. If he’s cool with it, then ok then. lol.

Since it seems like I’ve done nothing but rag on Marine, I’ll note some good points. He is really strong haha. And he looks hella good in uniform. He is sweet, and says sweet things. And he drove 2 hours in the middle of a snow storm at 9pm to come pick me up at my house and take me out. (Even though everything was closed so we just parked and talked for a while.) He isn’t a bad guy, just not for me…. But he mentioned his penis size and I’m hoping maybe I’ll be able to talk myself into giving that a try.. If he is telling the truth… It will be impressive.. LOL

But yeah, those are my frustrations.

 

I just like being in a relationship.. I can feel justified in the things I do with them..

But girls.. I’m not looking forward to introducing my soul to someone completely new.. Madrid knew me inside and out.. Like nobody knows me.. It was such a huge load off to just know he knew what I liked.. and what I hated.. And know he didn’t judge me.. That’s what I’m going to miss the most about him..

 

Dammit I want sex… And it bothers me that I’m considering having sex with people that are clearly lower than me, and they are going to walk away thinking that I’m trash…

 

Fuck it.

I’m getting a fucking vibrator.

 

Jane

The Period Playlist

Ladies you know that time of the month.

I think its time we had a playlist to go with the flow of our flow.

 

Bad Reputation- Joan Jett

Hit me with your best shot- Pat Benatar

Just a girl- No Doubt

I hate you so much right now- Kelis

Crazy Bitch- Buckcherry

Cell Block Tango- Chicago

Janie’s got a gun- Aerosmith

Women I’ve known- Kim Briggs

Bodies- Drowning Pool

Man! I feel like a woman! – Shania Twain

 

It’s surprisingly hard to find songs associated with our favorite time of the month. But I tried. Enjoy.

 

Jane

PS. I’ll be back with more feminist rituals later. haha.

 

Over.

Jane again.

I honestly feel like I’ve hit rock bottom..

Madrid and I are over. And I’m stuck here alone.

I’m so scared.

It costs so much money.

I don’t know what I want.

I don’t know what to do.

I can’t stop crying.

I’m so scared.

I want to go home, I want to transfer.

But I love him so much.

I’m dying.

God help me. Please.

I Feel Like Jello Spiked With Poison.

Jane signing on.

Since this was supposed to be a blog concerning our sexcapades, I thought I’d broadcast an encounter.

Like I was telling Bellatrix, Madrid and I haven’t been having sex lately. He is always tired because he is “in season” … And quite honestly I didn’t care that he was tired. I wanted to fuck dammit.

After 2 and a half weeks he finally just randomly initiated some foreplay…  Like a half our ago. Haha. I was so happy to finally be doing something I didn’t act all pissy because he woke me up.

I had been getting really depressed because he barely acted interested. Any time I would initiate something he would complain of being tired, or just act unresponsive. We haven’t really kissed until today. And what I mean by “kiss” is making out.

I was actually deliberating whether or not I should have a serious talk about our relationship with him. I was beginning to wonder if he was even interested.. If he wanted to pursue other people.. If he was bored with the relationship.. So many things were running through my mind. He complained about how much we fight. And we don’t fight nearly as much as we used to. If we do fight, it’s a doozy though.. I wondered if that had anything to do with it..

I plan on seeing if he acts any different throughout the next few days. I love him. But I want someone that can return my affection to the extent that I want..

Well…. The sex was great by the way.. It usually always is. A little reverse cow girl action goin on. 😉 Hahaha.

Well I’m out.

PS. Don’t get cum in your eye.. It hurts like a mother fucker. And turns it all red.. Hahaha. 😉

Oh where, Oh where?

Still in Australia. One of the most amazing countries in the world.

Just got back from Sydney. And I have to say i’ve never been more impressed with a city. Chicago, DC, Baltimore aint got shit on Sydney. I bet New York is nothing compared to Sydney as well.

I am ready to get back though.. I miss Stella. I miss Bellatrix. I miss Amelia wherever she’s run off to. But most of all i miss Madrid. haha. 🙂

I want to hang out wif all of you before i run off to college to become a smart edumicated person. 🙂

-Jane [Homesick for breadsticks]

Buttery Nipples

Ok so short blog.

My boss (The male one) had his 44th birthday last night.

I went to ECW with all of them. And he was buying me buttery nipples (extremely yummy, extremely expensive shots) and then they were so fucked up I had to drive them all to 109.

At the end of the night he was hugging all on me going “I don’t know you very well, but i love you. You are an awesome person and you have the best boobies in all of kings. How old are you? Legal yet? Mannn… It sucks you have a boyfriend.” Then he sorta half-passed out. And read all that with a drunken slur.

Im not kidding. This guy was smashed. And before I left he yelled after me “OFF THE CLOCK!!! YOU CAN’T CHARGE ME WITH SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!” I didn’t know whether or not to laugh.. so I did. Lulz.

I cut him slack because he was drunk. But Im making a mental note not to go back out with him again. He was a super perv. I scooted out of there as fast as I could without feeling like Im leaving my co-workers to die.

-Jane[out]

Tarzan And Jane

Since this was sorta supposed to be a blog about our sex-capadeds, I thought i would throw one in there. haha.

This past Friday Madrid and I were driving to new bern. We got in a fight about something [And to tell you the truth I can’t even remember what about] and he pulled over and we both got out of the car. We were both yelling at each other so loudly that a car from wayyyy down the street drove down and some guy asked me if everything was ok. I told him everything was fine and he drove off.

Madrid was scary. That was the loudest I’ve ever seen him, or really anyone get. It honestly scared me.

When the guy left we got in the car and continued driving. It was silent and he started crying after I told him that if thats how he was going to act when he got mad then I don’t want him. I was afraid he was gonna hit me. And im not going to live like that. He started crying saying he would never hit me. No matter how angry he got. He said that he’s never gotten that loud before, over anything. It just all built up.

I told him that would be the last time that would happen. Or else I wouldnt feel comfortable with him anymore.

We get to his dad’s house in new bern and we are still at each other’s throats. We walk out into a field and continue fighting. I could feel myself losing all energy to fight. I have endless energy for happy things. But i could feel myself losing sympathy, and compassion in general. I was just so tired of the fighting.

But he hugged me and just kept crying and saying he was sorry. I forgave him. But he kept crying. I was thinking of anything to lighten the mood…

So I tackled him.

I surprised him. lol. But he soon started laughing and then was wrestling with me back. In the middle of some huge ass field. I was doing pretty good holding my own too. hahaha.

At the end of it we walked to his grandmas house to get the gas card and it was like the entire fight was forgotten.

We walked back to his dad’s house then to go to his car. He started getting playful and frisky. He wanted to do something right then. I saw the tree house his little brothers play in and i just said, “Hey look.. A tree house.”

And it unfolded in sexual yumminess. 🙂 It was awesome to say the least. But we had to be standing up for it bc the wooden floor was really uncomfortable. He did this one thing where he picked me up and was holding me completely and was just sorta throwing me up and down *wink wink*. Then i begged to be let down bc that was entirely too scary of a move to be doing way up in a tree. Plus I had to be killing his back or something.

But the non-latex condoms worked greatttt. I am officially alergic. And No, we did not get lamb skin. Its some new kind of product. I suggest you guys try it out. Its wayyy more stretchy than latex. As well as more form fitting. It felt like nothing was there. As opposed to latex condoms. [lifestyles; skyn. non-latex]

As we were going down the ladder I joked with him and called him Tarzan. And he called me Jane. hahahaa.

Little does he know. 😉

-Jane[Tarzan’s]

The First Meetings.

Prom was nice. A little boring. But nice.

Sunday was pretty awesome. Despite work.

Jr/Sr.. Thats gonna be exciting.

Graduation.. Hell yeah.

Summer… Well, It’s gonna be hot.

Freshman year of college… Please Please PLEASE hurry up and get here.

I’m ready for a new life. I’m ready for new people. New friends. New Surroundings. New classes. Just NEW period… It can’t come fast enough.

Life here has gotten a little boring.. All the days are blurring together..

-Jane[Grape Juice]

Done.

We are done. Again. Nothing new.

We got back together last night. I AM right. I KNOW im right. And i WILL tell him that he is WRONG.

Its his REASONS I have so much trouble with accepting.

He is SCARED. (And bellatrix if he comes asking about me again. Feel free to point that out to him. It will probably shock him and thats what im going for.)

He is scared of growing up. He is scared of getting hurt. He is scared of not being able to contol the situation.. We are going to different schools. He wants to end now because he is scared he “Will fall into a depression and not be able to make it to class.” He is hardening his heart to me on purpose. Once he is with me, he falls right back in to place. Thats why he does it all over text. So he doesnt have to see me. So he won’t change his mind.. And the sad thing is he admitted it..

My heart doesnt miss him.. It aches because I know he is only hurting himself in the long run..

Im sure there is a small part of him that wants to be single. But it is largely because he is scared..

Scared of being replaced..

He can’t even let go enough to make the right decisions for himself.. I have made mine. But he keeps saying he is trying to go to the same school as me.. And its not in his best interests, even i will agree with that. But its NOT that hard to figure it out that he doesnt HAVE to do that. He is making it hard on himself on purpose..

He is a stupid, scared, hard headed little boy and it infuriates me that he doesnt see how HE IS WRONG.

DEAD WRONG.

The ending now, and the ending then are so much different… It would be easier for both of us..

-Jane[Frustrated]